30 December 2008

Chili Sin Carne

ok, so it isn't chili. I know this. But it is a pretty damn tasty chili like substance for those who either are not eating meat, or simply are too lazy to go to the store for a pound of ground round (but happen to have tempeh on hand).

1/2 cup onion, diced
1/2 cup carrot, diced
1/4 cup turnip, diced
1 jalapeño, minced
2 clove garlic, minced
1/2 pound Tempeh, cubed
1 cup cooked rice or grain of choice
1 can diced tomato, pureed
3 tbsp chili powder
2 tbsp cumin
Salt and pepper TT
Some water

Sautee veggies in olive oil until softened, add tempeh and sautee until browned. Add tomato purée, spices, rice and water, and simmer until thickened and tasty. Adjust seasonings to taste, and serve with cornbread and ridiculous amounts of cheddar and sour cream.

Notes: I used turnips, because I had them. I used rice, which happened to have a 1/2 cup or so of beans in it, because that was the container of leftovers I had in the fridge. I used Tempeh, because I got a gift certificate to the hippy market and thought it looked interesting. Point being, play with it. Remember, recipes are starting points.

There it is. Please don't revoke my Texan status.

10 December 2008

turnips and tops

get whole turnips, greens and all.
Peel roots if older (bigger) or leave young peel on.
Cut up roots. Sautee in olive oil until they start to brown.
While they are cooking, smash a little garlic and add that in
Also, chop up the greens and add those in.
Add a glass of white wine to the pan, cover, and simmer 15-30 minutes until greens and roots are tender.
Finish by stirring in a pat of butter (or duck fat) and a squeeze of lemon.

toaster resolution

So one of my New Years resolutions this year is going to be to Write down recipes. I tend to kind of make things up on the fly or google what I want to make, then throw it together with some modifications, which works great, until someone asks how to reproduce the item. Then I have to say something along the lines of "well... ummm.... i put some stuff in it..." I am also going to try to continue to twitter new or interesting items that I make. The combination of those two ideas leads to my request.
If you see me twitter/facebook/blog something that you want to know about, ask me to email you the recipe. I don't believe in secret ingredients or secret recipes, so ask away.

To start out early, here's an idea taken from a NY times/Emeril/the internet somewhere, i think...

Candied Bacon

Take thick cut bacon and lay it out on a cookie sheet (the kind with a lip)
Mix 1 cup brown sugar with 1 tsp Cayenne pepper
Coat bacon slices thoroughly with sugar mixture
Bake at 350 for 15-20 minutes, or until crispy and bubbly.
Cool slices on wire rack
Eat as is, or chop and use to top a salad, or use whole on a sandwich (ham, cheddar, thinly sliced apple maybe?)

14 November 2008

Best. Job. Ever.

Sous-chef. No set menu. No weekends. No nights. No early early mornings. All holidays off, with pay. Full medical, free of charge. NPR referenced by people other than me.

What kind of wierd dimension have I fallen into?

Sorry it's been so long. Still no Internet at home.

29 August 2008

Best Pitch Ever

Today while walking from the bus stop to work, I was given, bar none, hands down, the best "Brother, can you spare a dime" spiel I have ever run across. Knowing that I spent 5 years in Galveston, home to some of the most creative crazy homeless out there, that's saying something.

So here's the line...
Guy walks up to me and tells me that he's from Africa, that he's a doctor, and that he is here in the United States working on a project to study race relations in American, specifically relating to the media's coverage of the current presidential election between John McCain, Barack Obama, and Hillary Clinton. Now, this morning, he had bought a copy of today's Houston Chronicle (in his hand) and Wall Street Journal (not visible), but he still needed to get a copy of the New York Times, and he had 5 cents left. Now, he didn't want money. He wanted me to go with him to the nearest store and buy him a copy of the NY Times!

So, a lot of people would walk away. A very few people would buy him the paper. But a good amount, more than the paper, would give him a buck or two because they didn't want to walk out of their way to a store. Beautiful!

For once, I wish I had had money with me. I would have given the guy a $10 just for the story alone.

21 August 2008

I have a new quest!!!!!

The Omnivore’s Hundred
Here’s a chance for a little interactivity for all the bloggers out there. Below is a list of 100 things that I think every good omnivore should have tried at least once in their life. The list includes fine food, strange food, everyday food and even some pretty bad food - but a good omnivore should really try it all. Don’t worry if you haven’t, mind you; neither have I, though I’ll be sure to work on it. Don’t worry if you don’t recognise everything in the hundred, either; Wikipedia has the answers.

Here’s what I want you to do:

1) Copy this list into your blog or journal, including these instructions.
2) Bold all the items you’ve eaten.
3) Cross out any items that you would never consider eating.
4) Optional extra: Post a comment here at www.verygoodtaste.co.uk linking to your results.

The VGT Omnivore’s Hundred:

1. Venison
2. Nettle tea
3. Huevos rancheros
4. Steak tartare
5. Crocodile (does alligator count?)
6. Black pudding
7. Cheese fondue
8. Carp
9. Borscht
10. Baba ghanoush
11. Calamari
12. Pho
13. PB&J sandwich
14. Aloo gobi
15. Hot dog from a street cart
16. Epoisses
17. Black truffle
18. Fruit wine made from something other than grapes
19. Steamed pork buns
20. Pistachio ice cream
21. Heirloom tomatoes
22. Fresh wild berries
23. Foie gras
24. Rice and beans
25. Brawn, or head cheese
26. Raw Scotch Bonnet pepper
27. Dulce de leche
28. Oysters
29. Baklava
30. Bagna cauda
31. Wasabi peas
32. Clam chowder in a sourdough bowl
33. Salted lassi
34. Sauerkraut
35. Root beer float
36. Cognac with a fat cigar
37. Clotted cream tea
38. Vodka jelly/Jell-O
39. Gumbo
40. Oxtail
41. Curried goat
42. Whole insects
43. Phaal
44. Goat’s milk
45. Malt whisky from a bottle worth £60/$120 or more
46. Fugu
47. Chicken tikka masala
48. Eel
49. Krispy Kreme original glazed doughnut
50. Sea urchin
51. Prickly pear
52. Umeboshi
53. Abalone
54. Paneer
55. McDonald’s Big Mac Meal
56. Spaetzle
57. Dirty gin martini
58. Beer above 8% ABV
59. Poutine
60. Carob chips
61. S’mores
62. Sweetbreads
63. Kaolin
64. Currywurst
65. Durian
66. Frogs’ legs
67. Beignets, churros, elephant ears or funnel cake
68. Haggis
69. Fried plantain
70. Chitterlings, or andouillette
71. Gazpacho
72. Caviar and blini
73. Louche absinthe
74. Gjetost, or brunost
75. Roadkill
76. Baijiu
77. Hostess Fruit Pie
78. Snail
79. Lapsang souchong
80. Bellini
81. Tom yum
82. Eggs Benedict
83. Pocky
84. Tasting menu at a three-Michelin-star restaurant.
85. Kobe beef
86. Hare
87. Goulash
88. Flowers
89. Horse
90. Criollo chocolate
91. Spam
92. Soft shell crab
93. Rose harissa
94. Catfish
95. Mole poblano
96. Bagel and lox
97. Lobster Thermidor
98. Polenta
99. Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee
100. Snake

19 August 2008

For A Limited Time Only!

Do you like reading? Being warm? Music? Stuff?

Well, do i have a deal for you!

I have stuff. Stuff i don't really need anymore. You need this stuff. So I propose a solution. You come get my stuff.

What kind of stuff, you ask?

Tom Clancy, John Grisham, Michael Crichton, Clive Cussler, Dan Brown, Steven Covey, a spanish/english dictionary, other books... you get the idea.

Warm things!
Two, count 'em, two London Fog trenches with liners! Vintage (mid-late '70s) K-Mart branded corduroy jacket (w/ belt)! Full length charcoal wool overcoat, Vintage (1996) Pearland High School letter jacket (Complete with authentic region/district choir patches!) And that's not all!!!!

Various and assorted sheet music
Records! The Incomparable Sax of Ace Cannon, Sandy Nelson's "Beat That Drum!", The Longine Symphonette "The Memory Years", Neil Sedaka Sings His Greatest Hits!

Other Stuff!

Slightly MurphyMollyIndy-ized Queen-Size mattress and box springs
Box O' Pint Glasses
Lightly Broken KitchenAid stand mixer with hook, paddle and whisk.
Blue Chair!
Fiorenzato Commercial grade Coffee grinder
Starbucks Barista Athena Espresso Machine (needs 1 part, i think)
Game Boy Advance
Centrex (by pioneer) 8-Track player
kinda ornery Sony LaserDisc Player

How can you resist???

Granted, some of things are not fully functional, some have bite marks, some are ridiculously archaic, and some are a combination of all of the above... but they're FREE!!!!! And that makes all of their faults relatively unimportant.

So come on down, step right up, and slide on by for deals, deals and more deals.
Call me if you want any of this (713..540..9881). It all goes back home to Goodwill beginning of September.


17 August 2008

WOOHOO! (And Boohoo)

WOOHOO!!!! Keith is turning the big Three-Oh next week! boohoo.. Keith is leaving the great state of Texas soon after that...

So we need to have a thing... a gathering... a party if you will (and I will).

Here's the gig...

Saturday night. 9 PM. My place.

I'll get a selection of the barley and hops stuff. If you want the hard stuff or the grapey stuff, bring it.

Call with questions.

24 July 2008

And thou shalt feast upon the.....

From the Third Chapter of Saint Pork, Verse 17

And the Lord spake, saying, "Thou shalt take of the stomach of a swine,
and thou shalt cure it with the salt of the sea and the smoke of the
fire. And when it has been cured well, thou shalt fry it in a pan, and
dip it in the chocolate, and it shall be good."

So it is written. So shall it be done

Update to last post

Meant to post this last week...

DONE! just waiting on the real copy with my horrible horrible picture.

Go legality!

07 July 2008

Man on the run

For the last few years, there has been a criminal in your midst. A man wanted in 3 separate cities. A man whose dastardly crimes included failing to show financial responsibility (ooooh!), driving without valid registration (eek!) and three, count them, three counts of ..... FAILURE TO APPEAR! (Egads!!!) That man is me.

But I decided to fix all of that. I'm a new man. I'm not smoking. I'm going to be responsible. So I called the DPS in Austin.

"Hi, this is Keith Martin... ummm... I think I owe some municipalities some money... so, who do i pay?"
"Well, Mr. Martin, call this number, and they'll tell you"

So I called that number. They told me. I paid them.

"Hi, this is Keith martin again... ummmm... so I paid those people... now what?"
"Well, Mr. Martin, you need to pay your surcharges. Call this number."
"What are surcharges?" I asked.
"They're kinda like more fees. Just pay them and stop asking questions, allright?"

So I called. And I paid.

"Yo, Bobby... me again... what now?"
"Don't call me Bobby, Mr. Martin... you need to go to this drivers license office, pay them another fee, and take your written test."
"Really? That's all? Pay some more money, tell you how many feet a car should be able to stop in if it is traveling at 20 MPH (19, by the way, and I'm done? I can get my license back?"

So I went. And I stood in line.
And the lady asked me, "Why are you here?"
And I told her that I needed to renew a suspended and expired drivers license.
And she said, "Go stand in that line"

So I did.
And the man asked me, "Why are you here?"
An I told him that I needed to renew a suspended and expired drivers license.
And he said, "Go stand in that line"

So I did.
And I waited for a while this time,
And the lady asked me, "Why are you here?"
And I told her that I needed to renew a suspended and expired drivers license.
And she said, "...???...??...?"
"Did you tell them your license was suspended?"
"Yep... twice."
"Well...the thing is... you're in the wrong line"
"Really? Cause this just seems a little too cliche, you know? Stand in multiple lines, being directed forward by state employees only to be told at the end that they were pointing you in the wrong direction the whole time."
"Well, Mr. Martin... these cliches have to come from somewhere, you know... we've got to keep people's expectations appropriately low. Now go stand in that line."

So I did.
And this time, I was in the right line. And I told them my situation. And they said, sure, give me some money. And I did. And they said, ok... heere's a reciept and a piece of paper saying you paid us. Now you need to go to the office closest to your home and take the written test..... and driving tests.

Driving test?

In a car?

Which I don't own.

Which I have to provide.

I rode my bike here.

Enter my sister.

She drives all the way from Pearland. We go to the office closest to my home. I stand in line #5. They tell me my suspension is still in place. I show them my paper. They say that I still have to wait for it to appear in the computer, but that I can go ahead and take the written test and see if it appears.

So I do. And I pass.
And it doesn't appear yet.
"But what about the driving test? Can I at least get that out of the way?"
"Oh.... that.... well... there's no slots left today. You have to come back. Again. at 5:00 am to stand in another line, where, if you are lucky and early enough, you will be assigned an appointment for that day, which you'll have to come back for at whatever time that is. "
"Oh....well then... so..."
"Goodbye, Mr. Martin. We'll see you in a week or so."
"ummm.... crap."

So, a couple of thousand dollars, 7 lines, and two DPS offices later, I still don't have a valid license. But I'm not wanted in multiple counties anymore, so that's nice...

03 July 2008

Inflatable Origami Chicken

So why is it that I can never remember the actual narrative of my dreams, but instead come up with tiny little snippets that don't make sense?
For example, from last night:

two tiny inflatable origami chickens, made out of one piece of paper by my brother and inflated using a camelback tube and a foot bellows style pump.

A gas powered car about the size of a Powerwheel, but meant for highway use.

The Pearland High School Marching Band, on tour in Florida.

Hilary Clinton

A wall

Some other unnamed political candidate (not Obama)

And somehow this all fit together... Something about Russell and I giving a presentation to the unknown candidate, with the marching band providing inspirational music. The chickens were an integral part of the presentation, and I followed behind the bus to Florida in the little car.

So, here's the challenge. The people who read this blog are pretty creative, I think. So, in the comments, come up with a story, a narrative that uses all of the elements above. You can change names and locations, but the basic pieces have to remain. Have fun!

(note: I just thought about the fact that the comments might be too small of a space. If so, just email me your story and I'll post it here)

28 June 2008


My cravings have transcended nicotine.

I was sitting here at work thinking that I could really use a cigarette, so I decided to delve into the craving a bit... what do i want from the cigarette? something in my mouth? I've got chewing gum and toothpicks, and that seems to work well enough. Nicotine? I've got a patch in my wallet that'll deliver that no problem, and yet it doesn't seem appealing at all. What I want, what I crave, what I'm fighting to ignore, is the smoke. The warmth, the slight burning sensation, the toasty flavor, the slightly bittersweet aroma of burning tobacco entering and subsequently leaving my lungs.

So in short, all of the other chemical and carcinogens, not the nicotine.

25 June 2008

one week...

its been,
one week since I took a drag.
lit up one of what the british people call fags.
five days since i stopped the patch
feels like I got an itch that i can't scratch....

ehh... I'm sure if I thought about it long enough i could finish the verse. oh well.

So week one. Having trouble sleeping, quite a bit of indigestion and other stomach problems. Don't think I've gained any weight (haven't really checked). Haven't gone all postal on anyone yet. I am noticing a little better taste sensation but no noticable improvement in sense of smell.

Thanks again for all of you help in this. Keep it up, and I will too :)

23 June 2008

Superfluous waffles

at the prompting of sarah, made spicy fried chicken for dinner. served it up on the table along with a bottle of Sriracha, a bottle of Valentino, and a bottle of Log Cabin. chicken and waffles, minus the waffles.... you my only friend.

patches? We don't need no steenkin' patches!

way past the 54 hour mark sans patch. No different symptoms or cravings than with it, so we're going to stay nicotine free.
Product plug of the day:
Thursday Plantation Original Tea Tree Australian Chewing Sticks, Cinnamon flavored.
Made from renewable and fast growing birchwood trees, these 'chewing sticks' are treated with tea tree oil, cinnamon oil, and menthol to sweeten the breath and provide much needed stress relief during quitting smoking.

chicken and waffles

I am a fan of fried things. I am also a fan of juicy things, spicy things and things that are covered in syrup. That is why, in my personal opinion, there is no better food in this world than the 6 piece wings and waffles at the breakfast klub in midtown. A golden, toasty waffle, surrounded by six absolutely gi-normous (is that how you spell gi-normous?) spicy marinated chicken wings, battered and fried to crispy perfection, and topped with a whole strawberry.
Now, the way I attacked this mound of food was to put syrup on the waffle, hot sauce on the chicken, and dig in... What this inevitably led to was hot sauce on the waffle and syrup on the chicken and the impossibly tasty merging in my mouth of syrup, butter, hot sauce, chicken juice, and hot grease. Holy cheesemonkey, batman! I've decided that the waffle itself, though quite tasty, is included merely to make pouring syrup onto chicken socially acceptable.

My mom's catfish and grits was just as tasty, especially when dredged in the leftover syrup and hotsauce on my plate, as was my sisters breakfast sandwich.

So drop by The Breakfast Klub, say hi to Sonya at the counter, grab yourself some chicken, and be prepared to be amazed.

20 June 2008

new plan

Based on many helpful comments and a slow day at work's worth of internet research, I am officially modifying my plan. I wore the patch for about 54 hours. I have duly noted and blogged about my symptoms of withdrawal from the 1 extra milligram of nicotine I've been getting each day. So, for the next 54 hours, starting about 3 this afternoon, I will (am) not wear(ing) the patch. I will continue to duly note and blog about my symptoms. If, in that time period, withdrawal symptoms do not increase dramatically, then I will continue to not wear the patch. I will, however, keep the patch on hand until I feel absolutely confident that I am done with cravings. That way, if a serious, insistent, unfight-able craving comes along, i can slap a patch on and be done with it.

-What? You're messing with the system? You know you're supposed to follow the -manufacturers instructions exactly! (says my internal RTFM inclined persona)

I agree, it is a gamble, but one that makes sense to me. I've still got patches as a safety net, and if I can completely rid my body of nicotine, then I'm that much closer that much faster.


ahhh... retail therapy

Today and yesterday, woot has ben having a woot-off, which for those of you non wooters out there means that the website, instead of selling one (usually) tech related thing a day at a pretty good discount until it runs out, is selling out of one item, then immediately replacing it with another item. Roombas for $130, Ipod Touch for $200. Klipsch speakers for $150. Bag of pistachios for $5.

I have been resisting that temptation along with my other temptaion resisting activities, but, I finally gave in. Maxtor 160 gig hard drive for $50. Happy 54 hours of not smoking to me :)


So here's the question to the group...

When I was smoking, I smoked about a pack a day. There are 20 cigarettes in a pack and each pack delivers 1 mg of nicotine to your body. I am now wearing a patch that delivers 21 mg of nicotine to my body in 24 hours. So... How is it that i'm experiencing nicotine withdrawal symptoms when I actually am "ingesting" more nicotine each day than before quitting (on average)? And if that is true, then in 6 weeks when I'm supposed to go down to the 14mg patch, will I go through the same crap again? And again two weeks later when I go to the 7mg patch? And again 2 weeks later when I am finally off of the patch? So basically I'm looking forward to 8 solid weeks of feeling crappy, then good, then crappy, then good, then crappy again.

Now, please don't take all of that as an indication of relapse, it's not... It just makes me wonder if the patch thing is actually the way to go.... or whether cold turkey would be better. Sure, cold turkey has to be harder (not to mention tastier when combined with whole grain bread and chipotle mayo), but it means only 72 hours of actual chemical addiction left, and then the breaking of the mental addiction.

Maybe a modified patch system? Only wear it half of the day? Shorten the steps? Or should I just believe the manufacturers (who only make more money the longer I wear it, meaning their true interest lies in me not losing my addiction to nicotine) and go through the whole process...

Please comment below

Still going

Day 3 begins.

New twist in the withdrawal symptoms... Nausea. Woohoo!

19 June 2008

24 Hours

OK, so we're at 24 hours. That means that right now, monetarily speaking, I'm down $35... patch was $40, 1 day, 1 pack at $5... By next Thursday I'll have broken even, and every day after that for the rest of the week is profit.

And it is true... sleeping with a patch on does give you some vivid dreams. Dreams so vivid that at the time, I thought, wow... there's no way I'm going to forget this dream by the morning. And yet, I really don't remember what they were about. Nothing strange, just extremely real dreams about everyday life.

BTW, Ben Harper... stop trying to make me smoke. I plugged in my headphones this morning to distract me... first song that came up on shuffle??? "Burn One Down" which although is clearly not about smoking cigarettes, can easily be interpreted as such by a suggestible mind. Many thanks to the skip button and Busta Rhymes for saving me from that one :)

18 June 2008

12 hour update

well, 12 hours, 8 toothpicks, 4 pieces of gum, and about half a bag of jelly beans later, still smoke free. Not so sure if the patch is doing anything... Cravings seem to be pretty bad, but I guess they could be worse. I had this fun moment earlier today when i went to the store to buy some gum. Wasnt even really thinking about smoking, but i walked up to the counter to pay for the gum and saw the cigarettes... It was like going from the feeling you have after a good meal to the feeling you have when you havent eaten all day long, but instantaneously. Tonight I get to find out if I'm the kind of person who gets crazy weird dreams while having a constant nicotine feed during sleep...so that should be fun. Thanks for all the support today. I'll check in again tomorrow!

3 hours

well, it's been all of 3 hours.
I've caught myself 3 or 4 times walking toward the front door to go outside and have a cigarette. Luckily, I don't have any, so to actually do that would require going all the way to the store. It's strange, I've gone a few days, even a week without smoking, no patch, no gum, nothing...and had no problems, because I knew that at the end of that time, I could grab a pack and light up. I've never really had those serious cravings of "I need a cig right now!"... until now.... :)

here goes nothing

ok kids.... here's the deal. I'm almost thirty. I'm starting to notice that... well, I'm not as young as I used to be... I get tired, I think my blood pressure is going up, I feel like crap the next day if I stay up much past midnight... that sort of thing. You all know that there's ben a certain habit in my life for the past 10 years or so that's probably not helping at all with those problems. So, today I went to CVS and bought the patch. Now, I've tried this before, but with the gum... and I didn't do what I'm doing now, asking all of you, everyone that I know and love (and even any random person who happens to run across this blog) to help me wit this whole quitting smoking thing. Text me, call me, send me an email. Ask me if I've had a cigarette today. Hold me accountable. I apparently can't do this on my own, so I'm depending on all of you. What do you get out of this? Well, you won't have to smell me when I come up to you after a cigarette. You wont have to breathe my second hand smoke when I accidentally blow it in your direction. And, most importantly, you'll get my undying gratitude. And maybe I'll buy you a beer sometime. :)

The thing is, I know that for the first few weeks I'm going to get a lot of response from this. Emails, texts and calls will pour in from all of you. And that's wonderful... it'll be during the hardest part of this process that I get the most support. But I ask of you, don't stop there... A month from now, 2 months from now, next year... 2015.. whenever, please keep up the support.

Proposed "ex-Smoker" date according to the Nicoderm schedule is 3 days after my 30th birthday. We should have a party. One that's indoors :)

I love you all
Thanks in advance.

17 June 2008

breaking up is hard to do...

So I jsut broke up with my Myspace blog. I'll be posting on here from now on... please, check in, write some pithy comments, etc. I'll keep importing to facebook as well.


BRAND NEW STUFF!!!!! j/k it's old.. but it's the last of the old stuff :)

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Current mood: pissed off

so..... i'm typing with one hand right now. It seems that when you are cutting things with a knife, you're supposed to keep your other fingers out of the way of the blade. something i've learned many many times but every once in a while forget. i hate making rookie mistakes.

3:33 PM - 4 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Monday, July 24, 2006

hey look! there's my face!
Current mood: anxious

so, in the last 27 (almost 28) years of my life, more of my waking hours have been spent with glasses on than without. If I remember correctly, I got my first pair when I was 11. A few years after that, I had contacts for about a year. Then glasses up until tomorrow, when I'm getting contacts again.

I'm not so sure about this whole concept. I do well if I remember to get up in time to shower, shave, feed and walk murphy, and get to work on time. At night, I'm doing pretty good if I remember to take my glasses off before falling asleep. So now I'm adding a whole process of cleaning and care of lenses to my daily routine?

On the other hand, I won't be the only person on the island not wearing sunglasses 24/7/365. And the indented lines on the side of my head where my frames sit might go away.

we'll see how it goes.

6:42 PM - 8 Comments - 9 Kudos - Add Comment

Thursday, July 20, 2006

If you give a mouse a cookie...
Current mood: indescribable

I went to Wal-Mart yesterday. I try not to go to walmart as much as possible so as to not support the evil empire, but I needed dog food. That's it. I needed an $8.98 bag of dog food. So I went to the pet section, found my bag of dog food, and that should have been it, right? Wrong. Cause then I looked up on the shelf and saw this cool other bag of dog food that came with a storage bin and dog food sauce. Yes, I said dog food sauce. so I got that instead. Then I thought, well, if I give murphy a different type of food he might feel the urge to go all liquidy, and I had been meaning to find a way of containing the area he was in while I was gone, so I had to go get a baby gate. This had extended the time I was in the store so the dinner I had eaten (mmmm.... dibellas....) percolated and i had to go to the bathroom, so i did. While using the bathroom I thought, hey... that pair of boxers has a hole in it... I need new boxers, so I went to the men's clothing section and got some, then socks. So then I'm walking towards the register and see a nice pair of carpenter pants on sale.... and then there's this shirt...

$8.98 bag of dog food, remember?


Damn Wal-Mart

8:06 AM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

mmmm... unprocessed biodiesel
Current mood: ecstatic

You know what is fun? Walking up a dark flight of stairs, slipping on the top stair, and plunging your arm up past the elbow into a vat of used fry oil. yeah. that's fun.

8:08 PM - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Monday, July 17, 2006

the joke
Current mood: awake

Due to the overwhelming response of 25% of my readers (thanks Jarvae!), here's the joke mentioned earlier.

Once upon a time there were two farmers, farmer Bob and Farmer Joe. They both were broccoli farmers whos farms were on opposite sides of the same road.

Farmer Bob was a very good farmer. He fed and watered his broccoli daily. He played classical music for them in the fields at night. His rows were spaced far apart to give the broccoli some personal space. Once monthly a motivational speaker would come in and give the broccoli that little extra ego boost to make them into the best boccoli they could be. And, all of his hard work and extra expense paid off. He had the most robust, healthy, bright green nutritious and flavorful broccoli out there. His broccoli were the epitome of broccolidom. If there were a Broccolympics, they would win gold in all categories.

Farmer Joe on the other hand, was the exact opposite of Farmer Bob. Farmer Joe didn't remember to feed, didn't have a working irrigation system, no classical music, bupkis. His broccoli were crammed close together, he didn't farm organically (which, BTW, meant that farmer Bob's farm couldn't get its organic certification, since the two farms were located so close together and runoff water might accidentaly cross the road, thereby contaminating Farmer Bob's fields. Damn bureaucracy)

So late one night, Farmer Bob's broccoli were sitting around, talking about life and philosophy and one of them brought up the point that although they were blessed in many ways, they had never done anything to help others. The moral imperative, "To whom much is given, much is expected" weighed heavily on their minds and they began to formulate a plan through which they could somehow impprove the world around them. Talkin amongst themselves, they said, "Look across the road at Farmer Joe's fields. Those poor broccoli are starving, emaciated, shrivelled. They have no self esteem, their tops are flopy and their stalks are limp. We have so much, so much room, so much food, so much water. Surely we can share some of it with our brethren over there."

So late one night, when the moon was new, they sent a team over the road to invite their neighbors into the good life. It was difficult convincing Farmer Joes broccoli at first. They had spent so long under his tyrannical rule that they had no concept of a life better than the one they had. But eventually, after long discussion, they agreed to give Farmer Bob's fields a try.

They began the long, slow process of pulling up roots and making their way across the road. One by one, step by step, they crossed that border to a new life. As morning was approaching, almost all of the broccoli had made the trip. All except for little Timmy. Timmy was one of the most shrivelled, most emaciated examples of Farmer Joe's evil rule. He was struggling to make it across the road, but it took almost all of his energy just to take one step. As he tried with all his might, the other broccoli began cheering him on. "Come on Timmy, you can do it! Go Timmy Go! Give me a T...." Well, you get the idea.

Just as Timmy was albout to make it across, a huge 18 wheeler cam barreling over the hill. The cheers for Timmy turned into anguished screams. Run Timmy. Run Faster. Run with everything that you've got. The truck's coming Timmy. You must go faster or you'll be...............oh no.

Timmy's broken body flew 30 yards down the road. Farmers Bob and Joe, haveing heard the impact, came ruching out, calling the ambulance on their cell phones. The ambulance arrived, and Farmer Bob and Farmer Joe rode along. While in the waiting room at the hospital, Farmer Joe, having see the error of his ways, asked for help. Farmer Bob explained the finer points of pesticide free, organic farming, plant psychology, and sustainable irrigation systems.

Just as they were finishing their discussion, the doctor came out. The farmers leapt up to greet him and find out the results of this agonizing time (the waiting room, not this joke).

The doctor looked at them and said:

"Well, gentlemen. I've got good news and I've got bad news. The good news is, Little Timmy is going to live. The bad news is..... he's going to be a vegetable all of his life."

10:04 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Sunday, July 16, 2006

apparently mom was wrong... or Ben Stein's Acid
Current mood: distressed

inactive ingredients on a bottle of Clear Eyes:

1: benzalkonium chloride
2: Boric Acid
3:.......hold on. Boric acid??? I'm pretty sure that one of the things my mother taught me as a wee child was "DONT POUR ACID ONTO YOUR EYEBALL!" And yet, there it is in Clear Eyes. In fact, there's more boric acid in these eye drops than there is water! Water is like the second to last item on the list. Does Ben Stein know what kind of product he's promoting?

9:04 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

comedy night
Current mood: blah

so the other day (thursday) I participated in an open mike comedy night thingy at a bar here on the island. It was the first night they were doing it, I thought, why not. I can get up there and tell a joke, right? So I did. The little Timmy joke. You know... the talking broccoli? Farmer Bob? The ambulance shows up? whatever. It's a great joke. And it was well recieved. People laughed in all the right places, groaned at the PUNchline, etc. I'm thinking, hey, I'm pretty good at this. Then the next guy got up. I'm not good at this. He's good at this. He proceeded to do 5 or 6 minutes of well rehearsed, top quality, real standup. It probably helped that he brought 20 or so of his friends for support. But I seriously would have paid actual money to hear this guy. Needless to say, after the drag queen (or transgendered woman/man/person) went on and also did a pretty good job, and it was time fo the "applause-o-meter" voting (remember the 20 friends? there were maybe a total of 30 people in the bar) I didn't win. No 25 bucks for me.

So apparently, if I want to win, I have to do real standup. which I've never done. and don't really know how to do.

I think I'll just tell another bad joke next week and keep my current position as the guy who tells bad jokes and doesn't win

that sounds like a plan.

8:37 AM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

mmmm... work...
Current mood: drained

you know what's fun? going home at 4 really toasty... then waking up at 9 and going to work.... still a little bit toasty. that's fun

8:35 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

squeaky toys are the devil
Current mood: grumpy

So, in my infinite wisdom, I stopped by the Petco yesterday when I was running errands. I thought to myself, "Keith! Maybe if there were more fun and interesting toys laying around your apartment, then murphy (and Indy, when he's visiting), would spend more time occupying themselves with those than with your couch cushions, wires and cables, A/V equipment, and bed." So I purchased a rope ball, a Kong ball, a Food Cube, and a small package of assorted rubber squeaky toys.

Dropped the toys by the apartment, watched murphy NOT play with any of them (Indy had a blast), then went to go help a friend move. Now, at 1:30 in the morning, after having moved a lot of boxes down from a third floor apartment (no elevator) into a 2nd floor apartment (again, no elevator), checking in on the dogs a few times, drinking a half a bottle of wine at dinner and a few beers at the bar afterwards, I go home, fall into bed, and go to sleep, knowing that I have to work at 9 in the morning, it's going to be a long day, and I need my rest.

Until the dogs found the squeaky toys.

it's really hard to find 4 small squeaky toys at 3 in the morning, in the dark, half asleep and a little bit intoxicated.

7:44 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Saturday, July 01, 2006

customers suck
Current mood: pissed off

So.... I relearned an important lesson tonight.... DON"T LET PEOPLE BORROW LIGHTERS!, no matter how busy you are.

A customer came up to me and asked for some matches, which we don't have. I had 3 orders to put in, hell breaking loose in the kitchen, and more tables walking in the door, so, being the naive, trusting person that I am, I let her borrow my zippo. My $50 present from a good friend had it for a year Harley Davidson Zippo. Mistake. By the time i got a clear enough head to think, hey, I don't have my lighter, the table was gone. With my lighter.

Maybe she'll come back. Maybe she'll get back to whatever beach house she's staying at, empty her pockets, find my lighter, and think," I should take this back to the nice restaurant manager who let me borrow it"

Or maybe I've lost an important (at least to me) gift from a dear friend.

friggin customers.

10:07 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

did I mention this stuff is old?

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Super Action Hero Keith! (Now With Kung-Fu Grip)
Current mood: indescribable

OK. So I've never been that guy... you know... the one who's all buff and working out and voilent and testosterone laden. I'm more laid back. I'm calm. I'm mellow.

But today.... I kicked a door in. Not out of anger, or a desire to catch anyone in any act, or anything like that, but because I needed to get into a store room at work and no one had the key. And I didn't do it all by myself, I had help from one other person.... which actually made it even cooler... We did the whole 1...2.....3.... NOW! thing and the door popped open. At least, after the second 123now it popped open.

I don't know if I will ever have the chance or need to do that again, or if you will ever have the chance to do it... but if you do... holy crap it's fun.

Now if you will excuse me, I have some car hoods that need sliding across.

10:58 AM - 3 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

Thursday, February 08, 2007

escape from galvatraz!
Current mood: accomplished

Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, Children of all ages. I know, I know... deep down in your hearts, you've been feeling guilty. You've been depressed. You've been mired in the swamp of self doubt and loathing, all because you haven't made the trip down to Galveston to see your dear friend Keith in his Improv comedy show. But fear no more. Jumping the Shark is coming to you! Yes, that's right... for the low low price of $12 ($10 online at Massiveimprov.com) you can see Galveston's best (and only) Improv Comedy group perform at the Midtown Arts Center, Saturday, Feb. 24th at 8PM. We will be performing with Massive Improv, Comedy Sportz and Scatter!. Friday night (same place, same price) features Massive, La Resistance, and possibly more.
So, if you've been wanting to come, but have dreaded that interminable drive and that uncrossable causeway, now is your time. Your day has come, my friends.
For more info, call me at 7135409881 or go to www.myspace.com/jtsgalveston or www.massiveimprov.com


11:06 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Monday, January 08, 2007

it's been a while
Current mood: amused

So i haven't done this in a while. lack of internet connection at home, not really thinking i should at work, etc... whatever. The point is, I've kinda missed writing stuff down. It helps to put my thoughts on a page. That being said, this post is about nothing but shameless self promotion.

Ladies and Gentlemen:

This coming Wednesday, at 7pm, Jumping The Shark is performing at Gravity on the Strand (near the Waterwall restaurant).We also have the regular show every thursday night at Third Coast, 31st and Seawall.

Come on out and laugh some part of your body off.

9:14 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

The Shark!

Come check out Jumping The Shark Thursday nights in galveston.

Galveston's only Improv Comedy group starring: ME!!!!!, Lyssa Graham, Robert Paterno and Chris Jones.

10:30 PM @ Third Coast Beach Bar. 31st and Seawall.

If you tell me early that you are coming, I can get you a few free drink tickets. I get 10 to distrubute per show, so call me early and often to secure yours.

Click on the link to see the website, become the Shark's friend, and find out about upcoming gigs.

12:03 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

update to update to super happy fun time
Current mood: ecstatic

Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, Children of all Ages, tooks, proudfeet.... wait.. wrong speech...

You are now reading the blog of the new Sous-Chef at University of Texas Medical Branch. Yep, thats right, Keith gets to wear one of those cool jackets, and maybe, just maybe, if I play my cards right, a funny hat too. (just kidding about the funny hat... those things are scary... I'm going to push for a baseball cap)

I will be overseeing food produstion for the hospital, cafeteria and the satellite food carts... kind of a "lunchlady supervisor"... but sous-chef sounds sooooo much better.

PLus, I work 4/10s (4 days a week, 10 hours a day) so maybe, just maybe,I can get off the island a little bit more and comevisit people more often.

Anyways, consider it fair warning. If you don't have faith in my cooking abilities (and supervisory abilities), don't get sick in galveston. :)

Thanks for all your support through this no-job time. Love you all


11:54 AM - 4 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

update to super happy fun time

ok... well.... starting thursday when people ask me what i have been doing, i can say "You know, sleep, going out, some comedy stuff..."

Note the unfortunate lack of the word "Work". yes, folks, that's right. As of Thursday, August 24th, I am unemployed. Great birthday present, huh?

The other restaurant in the "chain" (chain being 2 restaurants) had been tanking, and we've been holding it up. Unfortunately, with the summer season being over, we willl no longer be able to support it. So it is closing. That leaves 4 managers for 2 positions. On of those positions gets filled by the owner, and since I've been here the least amount of time, the other one doesn't get filled by me.

So if anyone knows of any positions available in the Galveston county area, give me a call.

7:07 AM - 4 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Saturday, August 19, 2006

super happy fun time

so my 28th birthday is approaching fast, and for the first time in a really long time, I feel like I'm actually doing something. As in, if you were to come up to me 3 months ago, and say, "hey, keith, what's going on with you?" My answer would be, work, sleep, going out. Which is funa and all and pays the bills, but it's not doing anything. It's just existing. But now... ask me again.

Same question.

Go on, I'll wait.....

"Well, let's see.... I've been working a lot, you know, the usual stuff.. I'm also doing stand up comedy every week, and helping start a 4 person improv comedy troupe called "Jumping The Shark." You should come by... it's going to start mid september on thursday nights. Oh, and I've also been doing some voiceover work for industrial training videos, nothing big, but it's a little extra spending cash to have. I'm also trying to get everything arranged to complete a BA in Hotel and Restaurant Management through Art Institute of Pitttsburgh"

Isn't that so much more fun and interesting than:

"ehh... work, sleep...going out"

12:33 PM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Thursday, August 03, 2006

hey! macarena!
Current mood: crushed

So, i went to this website that tells you the number 1 song on any day in history (well, any day that they were recording #1 songs). The day I was born? Grease, by frankie valley. Here's the kicker. At the top of the page, it suggests to look up your "life's theme song", which is supposedly the #1 song on your 18th birthday. Mine? The freakin Macarena. that's kinda depressing.

11:15 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Sunday, July 30, 2006

those crazy neighborhood kids

So, when you were a kid, did you ever maybe accidentally break a neighbors window, or scratch their car, or something like that? And then your mom made you write that neighbor an apology note? or worse, make you read it to them?

Well, it looks like Mel Gibson's mom has had a very stern "talking to" with him. His
statement reads like a 10 year old kid telling his neighbor that he let the dog out again and it tore up all the tomato plants. It really should be preceded with, "Aw, mom, do I have to???"

I mean, don't get me wrong. I'm glad he's sorry. It's great that he has the testicular fortitude to admit when he's done wrong to the entire world, but...This is William Wallace. He's Martin Riggs. He's freaking Mad Max for crissake. I don't want some namby pamby apology. I want "I drank, aye. I droove, aye. And for that, I apologize. But what I did, I did for Scotland. FREEDOM!!!!!!"

or something along those lines.

3:24 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Friday, July 28, 2006

two things
Current mood: accomplished

first, i won the weekly open mic comedy night this week. $25 bucks and a chance to compete in a few weeks for $100.

second, Steven Seagal makes an energy drink. Or at least allows his name and picture to be put on one. It's not incredibly tasty, has about the same kick as any of the others, but... It's the only one I've ever found not made with high fructose corn syrup. It's sweetened entirely with "evaporated organic cane juice". So that's cool. You can actually taste the cane.

4:43 PM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

wow, is this stuff old

Thursday, July 12, 2007

I heart tourists
Current mood: amused

Quote of The Day:

Three guys walk into a bar in galveston and ask "Do you have margarita flavored margaritas?"

This quote brought to you by your friends at the department of redundancy department.

4:46 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Current mood: dorky

so i have to work tomorrow. And it should be a fairly busy day... So i should be asleep right now. But instead i'm sitting in a movie theater in houston waiting for harry potter to start. I think it's worth it. I'll let you know for sure tomorrow.

9:36 PM - 5 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

Saturday, June 30, 2007

quote of the day
Current mood: chipper

Tara: my breasts are great! Somebody should play with them!

6:38 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

first post
Current mood: bouncy

holy crap this thing is shiny. Performs just like advertised. Did i mention the shiny part?

6:37 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Friday, June 29, 2007

why I have no willpower
Current mood: ecstatic

one word. iphone.

5:26 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Chome, Chome, Chome..... bop-bop-a-lu-bop....Chome

The Toaster Song

Toaster, Oh Toaster You toast my bread just right

Toaster, Oh Toaster, You toast both day and nght

You toast it light, You toast it dark

Toast for a nice walk in the park

Toaster, oh Toaster, you toast my bread just right

Toaster, Oh toaster, you toast my bread so well

Opponents of my toaster can all just go to hell

With white, with wheat, with bagel round

I pick you up and can't put you down

Toaster, Oh toaster, you toast my bread so well

You make my bread so golden brown

I like to puch your lever down

And then I hear your dinging sound

You make me smile when I might frown

Toaster, oh Toaster I love your shiny chrome

Toaster, oh toaster, you look good in my home

Your cord it goes right in a plug

To me you are just like a drug

Toaster, oh Toaster I love your shiny chrome

Toaster, oh Toaster, I love your toasted bread

You are my only toaster when all is done and said

I'll never cheat, but if I will

It might be with that Foreman Grill (tm)

Toaster, Oh toaster, I love your toasted Bread

Your are the highlight of my morn

I wish that you could toast some corn

It is to you my love is sworn

I sometimes look at toaster porn....

Toaster, Oh Toaster You toast my bread just right

Toaster, Oh Toaster, You toast both day and nght

You toast it light, You toast it dark

Toast for a nice walk in the park

Toaster, oh Toaster, you toast my bread just right

5 points to anyone who recognizes where the subject of this blog comes from.

12:20 PM - 4 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Glass Pants and other musings

The deep philosophical question of the day is... if it is possible to burn someone in effigy, is it also possible to bake someone in effigy? And if so, does the effigy have to remain intact.... say someone... hypothetically of course.. were to make a bust of George Bush entirely out of meatloaf (I can get you a picture, hypothetically) and then squish the sculpture into a loaf shape and then bake it, would it still somehow contain the spirit of georgy boy? This is all assuming of course that Grandpa Simpson was right in that creating an image of someone captures them somehow ("You've stolen my soh-uhl!)

And now for something completely different:

Here's the lyrics to Glass Pants (to the tune of Save the Last dance)

Oh you know, how I love your ass
when it's encased in glass it shines just like a star
But you danced, while you wore glass pants
last night at the bar

Oh please don't wear those pants out, where all the guys are gonna see.
Oh darlin, save the glass pants for me

How I love, that they fit like a glove
they're molded to your butt
And how I care, bought Kevlar underwear
so you would not get cut

So please don't wear those pants out
I'm asking you on bended knee
Oh darlin, save the glass pants for me

I made them so that when you pee
They've got a little slot
Your golden showers over me
It makes me oh so hot

So please remember in whose face
it is that you are gonna pee
Oh darlin, save the glass pants for me
Whoa-whoa-whoa darlin, Save the glass pants for me
Oh yeah, darlin, save the glass pants for me.

11:39 AM - 4 Comments - 5 Kudos - Add Comment

Thursday, June 21, 2007

New Song

yes, that's right... another new song will be premiering this sunday at Gravity during the standup portion of the show. This one is a sweet little tune about love , jealousy, and chickens. Pretty soon I'll remember to either somehow record and post them aor at least put up the lyrics...

8:13 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Monday, May 28, 2007

people who wear glass pants, etc.

Ok, so the newest song to add to the lineup is Glass Pants, a sweet song about jealousy and buttocks. Come hear the premier this wednesday at The Lounge in Galveston

6:18 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Monday, May 14, 2007

Toaster, oh Toaster, you toast my bread just right.
Current mood: accomplished

Coming soon to a blog near you....

The Toaster Song

The Apple Pi Blues

Amadillo in Mourning.

3 exciting new songs by yours truly. To hear them, simply type "maps.google.com" into your web browser, figure out how to get your happy butt to Galveston, and come to one of my comedy shows... every sunday night at Gravity on the Strand, and starting next week, every 1st and 3rd wednesday at Boomba (The Lounge) also on the Strand.

11:09 AM - 2 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

even older stuff

Saturday, September 29, 2007


For those of you who don't know, I am a coffee geek. I am a coffee geek to the point that I have a cup of coffee tattooed on my body. Some people open a can of folgers and call it a morning. Some go a step further and buy good quality pre ground beans. Some brave souls make the process even more complicated by grinding their own whole roasted beans. I surpass all of that and buy green, unroasted coffee beans, roast them my self, then grind in a pavoni burr grinder, then brew in one of 6 or 7 different brewing methods that I own.

The result? A truly incredible, ethereal, proper cup of coffee... and a process that takes so much time that my lazy side kicks in and I end up going down to the local shop instead of having to go through that whole hassle. I've coffee snobbed my self beyond my own desire for coffee.

That being said, yesterday I was having a conversation wih miss Amy from Java's, bemoaning the lack of a good tanzanian peaberry anywhere near the island when I realized that it had been almost 2 years since I last roasted a coffee bean. So when I went home, I dug around, found my stash, and spent the next 2 hours roasting, sampling, peering, sniffing, listening, and anticipating the coming of monday... when I can finally brew the stuff. (did I mention that to get the proper taste, you're supposed to let the freshly roasted beans rest or "degas" for 24-48 hours. Otherwise the excess carbon dioxide interferes with the flavor)

So if you're bored on monday, come by the coffee shop.. I'm going to see if I can sneak in a pot of my stuff next to the house blend for everyone to try.

On the menu? 3 different roasts of Kauai Estate Reserve, and a french roast of '00 Dominican Republic Montana Verde Estate.

9:35 AM - 4 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Sunday, September 09, 2007


Team Nasty Goes Down!!!

6:22 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Tuesday, September 04, 2007


On The Toad Again
Words by Keith Martin

On the toad again, just can't wait to get on the toad again
livin' life is lickin' tree frogs with my friends
I can't wait to get on the toad again

On the toad again, seeing things that have not ever been
getting high while i am lickin a frogs skin
I can't wait to get on the toad again

On the toad again, just can't wait to get on that toad again
living life like hunter thompson and his friends
I can't wait to get on the toad again

On the toad again, seeing colors, bugs and spiders on the highway
will it ever end??? Oh my god I tthink that they are crawling my way, crawling my way

On the toad again, just can't wait to get on the toad again
seeing things that have not ever, ever been
and I can't wait to get on the toad again
I can't wait to get on the toad again

8:00 PM - 3 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Monday, August 27, 2007

word of the day
Current mood: waiting to get brunk

brunk: (Adj.) drunk in the morning, either leftover from the night before, or starting fresh in the morning. Usage: "dude, I got like 2 hours of sleep. I am so freaking brunk." "hey, do you want to get some bloody mary's, maybe get a little brunk?"
origin: a contraction consisting of the words brunch (or breakfast) and drunk. From the galveston English.
New word courtesy of brian ramm

7:17 PM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Current mood: groggy

5:42 Am. At work after the second night in a row of 3.5-4 hours of sleep. I used to do this all the time, right?

3:41 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

There’s a dial on the side, and you make your selection...
Current mood: accomplished

So, on Sunday I decided to wander around the antique shops. Not until I got to one and started perusing did I realize that I had a goal. I was looing around at stuff like I always do, and kept noticing myself graviting towards shiny things with rounded corners and cords and plugs. Irons, old popcorn poppers, old radios.... and then I saw it. A 60's era Sunbeam all chrome Toaster. For $10. How can you pass that up? So I got it. And I polished it. And I figured out a way to make the cord into a neck strap. And I got some forks. And I practiced. And at Gravity on Sunday night, I performed "Yeah, Toast" by Heywood Banks. Fricking Awesome.

6:29 PM - 7 Comments - 7 Kudos - Add Comment

Saturday, August 11, 2007

ranting is therapeutic
Current mood: aggravated
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers

Ok folks, here's the deal...

Why is it that people can't seem to understand the concept that if want to stay employed, you have to show up for work... not just sometimes, not every now and again, not 15, 20, 30 minutes, an hour late. You show up ontime, everyday, without question, comment or excuse. Every day I deal with this mentality that the system, the government, the corporate fear of lawsuits will protect you if you decide that you want to stay home. And i'm not a total ass, i understand that sometimes, shit happens. Babies get sick, cars break down, people die, etc... but they don't do it every week.

"But mr keith, my dog ate my baby and my alarm clock was sick and leprechauns stole my car keys while a unicorn shoved it's horn up my ass and inflamed my hemmorhoids and gave me explosive diarhea..... so I really couldn't come in"

"Again? Didn't that happen last week?"

"No, last week my leprechaun stole my baby, my dog ate my unicorn, my alarm clock had hemmorhoids and my car keys were sick with the explosive diarhea."


I DON"T FRIGGIN CARE. Because when it comes down to it, however valid or emotional or disgusting the sob story is, no matter how fantastic a worker you are, you're no good to me if you're at home. You're no good to the 20 other people you just screwed over if you're at home. You're no good to the 500 customers who will get their breakfast late when you're at home. You may be able to simultaneously fix a broken oven, make 250 chicken cordon bleus, and wash my car, all while crapping perfect chocolate eclairs and whistling dixie, but if you're not here, it doesn't matter. You're useless.

So kids, show up. If you're not dead or bleeding beyond the capacity of a normal bath towel, show up. Unless you don't want to work for me any more...

10:41 AM - 6 Comments - 7 Kudos - Add Comment

Friday, July 27, 2007

gravy math
Current mood: amused

So today I made 30 gallons of gravy. 30 freaking gallons of gravy! That's a lot of gravy... you wanna know how much gravy that really is???

That's enough gravy to fill my fishtank with.

That's enough gravy to take a bath in.

That amount of gravy, if it were gasoline, would get from here to austin and back.

The calories in that amount of gravy, 59,520, are enough for a 175 lb. bicycle rider going 15 mph. to travel from Houston to Chicago.

That's 238.189 BTU's of gravy

That same gravy, spread in a 1/4 inch layer, would be enough gravy to cover a chicken fried steak that was 12 by 18 feet.

That's more than 250 lbs. of gravy.

And it'll all be gone by monday.

4:31 PM - 6 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment

Sunday, July 15, 2007


Oh freddled gruntbuggly, thy micturations are to me
As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee.
Groop I implore thee, my froonting turlingdromes.
And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles,
Or I will rend thee in the gobberwarts with my blurglecruncheon,
See if I don't!

Currently reading :
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, 25th Anniversary Edition
By Douglas Adams
Release date: 03 August, 2004

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Thursday, July 12, 2007

A legendary ass
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Life

so, once in a while, there comes along an ass that is so incredible, so beautiful, that poems, songs, and blogs are written about it.

My Pappaw had that ass, and her name was Jenny Lynn.

Jenny Lynn, named after the Swedish opera star, Jenny Lind, was born somewhere around 1974, and was purchased by my grandfather in 1976, when my brother was 1. It was almost a rite of passage in my family to go out to the back pasture and ride jenny around in circles. I can still remember being about 6 and watching my sister take her first ride. Even a late as a few years ago, the great-grandkids got to take a turn.

Jenny was originally a plow animal, and was so well trained on that that when you would go out to visit hwr, she would walk exactly 5 feet behind you, the length of the lead rope my Pappaw used on her. Even when she got too old to plow, she would get upset if she wasn't hooked up to the harness and taken around a few times (through some very soft dirt) at least once or twice a season.

Jenny Lynn died this morning. And so I would like all of you to go out to your favorite establishment and raise a glass... beer, wine, iced tea... It doesn't matter, to the best donkey a kid could ever know, Jenny Lynn.

Rest in peace Jenny. We will all miss you.

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more old stuff

Monday, February 11, 2008

Join The Toaster Revolution!

Ok, for those of you who haven't made it to an open mic, who have been reading the lyrics, who have been longing, nay, yearning for the chance to hear one of Keith's songs actually performed, without leaving the comfort of your own computer desk, here's your chance.

Check out www.myspace.com/toasterrevolution. Be my friend. Help toasters everywhere rise up against their evil human oppressors and finally achieve their true place as the rulers of us all.

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We’re off to see the betsy

ladies and gentlemen... All of you former university chorus/ concert chorale/ encore/ coro members, coming up march 4th at 730 pm, university mens and womens choruses will be performing... Our favorite blonde bombshell conductor, Dr. Betsy Weber will be conducting, and we need to make an appearance enmasse. It's time to see a show, go somewhere afterwards, and catch up. We all live in the same freaking city, so let's do this. Call me, 7135409881, if you can make it.

Keith (AKA hippy Jesus)

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Friday, February 08, 2008

its been a while

since i wrote a new song... and now the wait is over.

To a familiar George Strait tune:

Chorus: All my Exs have new sexes.
Yeah all the girls I've loved are now standing up to pee
All my ex's have new sexes.
They're shaving every morning just like me.

V.1 : Well Rhoda down in navasota, her name's now Nash
And sweet melissa was a real good kisser, but now she's got a mustache
And Judy, a real cutie, she goes by Rob
And Andrea, well you can see her Adam's apple bob.


V.2: I remember all the good times we used to share
But it's not as nice when the girl you like has lots of facial hair
My dreams are smashed so I'll go get smashed and think about the day
When I can find a girl of mine who wont be a man someday....


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Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Old and busted??? Naw... New Hotness!

Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls...

Once again I come to you bringing tidings of joy and work. Beginning February 18, 2008, you will be reading the blog of, Keith Martin, General Manager of the new and exciting downtown Houston Hotspot, the GrumBar and Grill, located at 306 Main Street. We will be opening in March, and I sincerely hope you will all find some time to come visit me in this new venture. I'll give you all more details about opening day and such as soon as I get them.

Oh, did I mention I don't live in Galveston anymore? (what? keith crossed the causeway? and not just to visit? that's crazy talk!) No, No, no crazy talk here. Just moved in this weekend off of Westheimer and Wilcrest. So for all you Houstonians, give me a call... Come visit... We'll do lunch.... maybe at the GrumBar and Grill, soon to be opening at 306 Main in fabulous downtown Houston. :)

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Saturday, January 19, 2008


Cease and desist.

Join together with people of like mind to create something, and enjoy it aurally.

Water in its solid state has returned with a never before seen technological creation.

An unknown creature has affixed itself to me with the power and stamina of a harpoon. Night and day both come and still it holds.

Whether or not I will ever escape baffles me, but if you extinguish all sources of light, I will bio-luminesce.

Like the Germanic tribe that sacked Rome in 455 CE, I sing viciously.

I will take away the darkness from the performance arena and extinguish someone life as easily as I blow out a candle.

Quickly, proceed to the source of sound with the low frequency, because I am having the same effect on your mental abilities as a psychocyblin fungus.

My music will kill you, and it would be a crime to play anything but the most perfect examples.

You may enjoy my music, you may not, but eat heartily and aim your darts carefully for the center of the board, because I have not come here to toy with you.

If you have encountered some difficulties, I will be able to resolve them.

Now, please take a moment to observe the following chorus that is being played by my dear friend on his turntables.

ice ice baby. da nah nah nah nana nah nah.

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Friday, December 28, 2007

on a lighter note

here's my other possible entry

lights flash. bass beats boom

marine mammals dance. just stop

clubbing baby seals

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to the kids

An environmental group in houston is having a Haiku contest. Here is my probable entry.

To the kids of Southbend.

Monsanto dumps waste.
Kid's playground bubbles with sludge
Superfund: Brio

Children play near the remains of toxic cancer.
Superfund: Brio

Wasted lives. Despair
Defects and Leukemia.
Superfund: Brio

Hush money is paid
Cash that doesn't bring back lives
Superfund: Brio

Site is declared clean?
New home construction begins!
Superfund: Brio.

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Tuesday, December 25, 2007

In honor of the season

Once upon a time... okay, it was 1983... Bill and Maude were sitting in their living room discussing what the weather would be like on Christmas day. Bill said it would snow, and Maude said it would rain. For hours and hours, the debate raged on and on. Bill would pull up weather.com, show maude the paper, the farmers almanac, the weather channel, all of which indicated snow on christmas. Maude just smiled, and said, "Rain"

Finally, Bill, tired of arguing, said, "Tell me Maude, how is it that you know for certain that it will rain?" Maude replied that when she was at the grocery store, she had run into Rudolph Stepanovich, the famed Soviet meteorologist who had just defected and moved into town. Rudy and she had had a long conversation, become fast friends, and because she now trusted him, and he had said it would rain, she was sticking to her position.

Bill still refused to believe her until the next morning, Christmas morning, when they got up to open presents, and it was pouring. Bill was astounded, flabbergasted even, and he turned to his wife and apologized for doubting her and her new friend. Maude just looked at him and replied, "Don't be so upset... after all, Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

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Monday, December 03, 2007

a great ass.... a reprise.

so this past weekend I went to east texas for the family christmas party.... and i went for a walk in the "back 40" to show sarah the land and to see jenny lind's grave. (for those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, read my past blogs for something about a great ass) Apparently, something (coyote, feral dog, zombie... who knows) had gotten hungry and dug into her grave. So i spent an hour or so putting things back the way they needed to be and making a marker, etc. It was..... i don't know what it was. but i'm almost glad it happened because i got to spend some time out there, got to take part in my version of her funeral, got to mark her grave... i blew smoke over the spot and sprinkled tobacco and made a cross out of sticks and berries and fall leaves and pinecones and said goodbye to one of the greatest animals I've ever met. Like i said in the earlier blog abut her, she was a dear friend, a family member, and I hate the fact that no other glenn family members will ever get a chance to meet her, but she will live on in stories around the woodstove, and in 42 games, and at christmas and reunions and everytime any of us get together.
once again, rest in peace, Jenny. We all loved you.

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Sunday, October 14, 2007

Yet once again

so once more, team jones reigns supreme. Will team nasty ever come back? Find out on the next episode of " scene it challenge"

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Most recent blog posts from Keith
Wed, 31 Dec 1969 16:00:00 -0800
Common Fracking Courtesy
So... I haven't double checked, but I relatively certain that in Emily Post's book of etiquette, it clearly states, page 537, paragraph 2, third line from the bottom, that if you are driving down a road and you are passing a bicyclist (who is in the bike lane) and you hit said bicyclist a resounding whack with your (thankfully) breakaway sideview mirror, that you should, i don't know... maybe stop? Possibly check to see if that bicyclist is allright? Wave politely? Acknowledge his existence even? You probably shouldn't simply drive off faster than before, hoping to get far enough ahead that the bicyclist won't see you license plate number. Granted, the bicyclist... ok, I was uninjured, no damage of any sort to myself or my bike... and I think i heard a tinkle of glass from that mirror... but that doesn't change courtesy.

So, Mr./Mrs. black SUV, Texas license 745-PVT... learn some manners. May all the forces of Karmic retribution come to roost on your pretty little gas guzzler and not on you yourself.


Wed, 21 May 2008 15:42:00 -0700

Grand Opening
That's right kids... it's time for the Grumbar Grand Opening. Happy Hour extended until 9Pm. Dollar off all appetizers from 6-9pm. Live music Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Thursday features Johann with classic rock covers and the like. Friday features Todd, that crazy dreadlocked guy from G-Town (Look for Mauri to possibly show and who knows, maybe a suprise visit from The Toaster Revolution), Saturday is your favorite one man band, Mark Twyman featuring Mark Twyman on guitar and harmonica, Mark's right foot on drums, and his left toe on bass guitar. Bands start at 7 each night, so get your happy asses out here for some food, drinks, and great music.

Wed, 14 May 2008 07:49:00 -0700


my grandfather (Bappaw) passed away this morning. He was, and will always be, the greatest man I have ever known. He was strong... he could put in a full day of work at the Co-op, come home, take care of all of the chores that what amounted to a small farm required, and still find time and energy to chase the grandkids aound the kitchen, or take us fishing, or show us how to sharpen a pocketknife. He was intelligent... a man with no real formal education who could dismantle a motor in minutes, visualize a complex toy and then carve it out of a stick, fix anything that was broken just by looking at it... tapping a few times, moving some bits around, then grabbing the baling wire and going to work. He could tell you three moves into a game of 42 what dominoes you had and who was gong to win the game. The man had a sparkle in his eye that was always there, and usually meant mischief of some kind (mostly in the form of a surreptitious toe-pinch under the breakfast table). There was no one, human or animal, that he didn't instantly get along with.

Some of my favorite times at his house were in the early early mornings. I was a light sleeper, and so when he would get up at his usual 6 oclock to make coffee and toast, I would get up as well. We would pour a few bowls of grapenuts, sip coffee while he waited for his grapenuts to get soft enough to chew... I would sometimes read... There was never really any conversation until the others started to rise. Just me and him, sitting in the same place at the same time in the early morning hours listening to the world wake up through the kitchen window. We'd sometimes go out and feed Jenny Lynn (See previous post about the worlds greatest ass) and the other animals, he'd show me how to brush jenny down and make her coat look the best it could.

We will miss him. I will miss him. Bappaw, you made me the man I am today and I love you very much.

Mon, 05 May 2008 07:26:00 -0700

i heart japan

You know, a few times in a lifetime, there comes along a video game that is so good, so well crafted, so interesting that it makes you want to buy the console just to play it. This is not that game. But, it sure looks like fun

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 07:14:00 -0700

really big shew Current mood: anxious

Ok kids, it’s now that time. The one you’ve been all trembling in anticipation for. The one that explains all your pins and needles. You can finally get rid of that bated breath. Trepidation be gone. Shall I go on?


I will

Ladies and Gentlemen, Goys and Burls. Kiddos of all ages (at least before 9 pm)... This thursday, March 27th, I am proud to present the opening (not the grand opening... that comes later) of GrumBar and Grill, located at 306 Main Street, Houston, TX 77002. Come on by for superlative sustenance and lucious libations. Open 11am-2am Thursday-Saturday, closed Sunday, open 11am-2pm Monday-Wednesday. If you need to know how to get here, google it, because I can’t get the map link to work right...

Mon, 24 Mar 2008 07:25:00 -0700

dirty rabbits
So I just remembered one of the many reasons I liked the book "Watership Down" so much, especially when I first read it at about 10 years old or so. There is that one shining moment in chapter 46 where Bigwig is facing down Woundwort and says "Silflay hraka, u embleer rah"... and if you have been reading carefully, paying attention, checking the footnotes, then you pause a moment. You make a few connections. You think "they can’t do that!" but you check back, flipping through the pages as fast as you can, scanning the text to check context, discovering the glossary in the back, and finally, you come to the realization that yes, indeed, the book you are reading, the one that your teacher recommended to you, contains a scene with a fluffy bunny rabbit shouting "Eat shit, you king of all that smells!" And you smile inside with the secret knowledge that maybe there’s people out there that are bigger than you, maybe you’re not the most popular, but you know what? You know how to curse in Lapine, and they probably don’t.

Thu, 20 Mar 2008 07:34:00 -0700

So you think you can bartend/wait/dish/bus?

So I know that at some point or another, you’ve thought to yourself, "There goes that hoopy Keith. Now there’s a frood who really knows where his towel is. I wonder what it would be like to work for him."

Now’s your chance.

I am looking for people who want to work for me. I need bartenders, cooks, waitstaff, bus/dish.... basically everything. So maybe you live in the houston area and want to work downtown. Maybe you have some experience. Maybe your current job doesn’t include such wonderfully fun things like tips. Maybe you know someone (brother, sister, cousin, friend) who is looking for gainful employment. Maybe you want to give me a call..... 7135409881.


Wed, 12 Mar 2008 13:24:00 -0700

many years into the future (or is it???) scientists have developed a way to revive long dead people using a combination of DNA for the body and a complex matrix of history, personal writings, quotes, etc. for the personality. In honor of the discovery, they decide to revive various philosophers and have a parade to display their work. They bring back Nietsche, Kant, Descartes, Heidegger, and suprisingly, Mr. Ed, who through misinterpretation and the magic of the internet, has become renowned as sort of a 'working man's' philosopher in the future.
The scientists are sitting down, organizing the parade, deciding who should be placed where in the lineup. The first three are Nietsche, Heidegger, and Kant, but a debate arises as to where to put Descartes and Mr. Ed. Half of the scientists want Descartes to be the finale, citing his greater reputation and more pragmatically, his tendency towards stumbling. If he's last, he won't trip anyone else if he falls. The other scientists think that Mr. Ed, being the only equine philosopher, deserved the final honor. Finally, the Mr. Ed team wins out. The parade goes on, thousands of people gather, cheering this miracle of modern technology. Sure enough though, just as the parade passes the main grandstands, Rene falls, tripping Mr. Ed and breaking his leg. Mr. Ed has to be put down, putting quite a damper on the festivities.
The moral of this story?

Don't put Descartes before the horse!

You may chastise me for wasting your time at the next available opportunity :)

Wed, 20 Feb 2008 09:25:00 -0800

Go West, Young Man! Current mood: accomplished
Today, i rode west. From West U. to Westchase on Westpark and Westheimer. Let me say, Houston is a great town. It has museums, restaurants, culture, a beautiful skyline.... what it does not have, at least not yet, is bike friendly roads. Oh, there are bike lanes here and there, sure.... a couple of inches away from cars screaming past at 50 something MPH. When there's not bike lanes, you can still technically ride on the road... but see above about whizzing cars. There are the sidewalks. Sometimes. And they are a bit..... bumpy. Muddy. Glass-Filled.
Speaking of the sidewalks, I have great tires. Street slicks designed for the sole purpose of going fast on concrete. And you would think, since the sidewalks and roads are made of concrete, I'd be golden, right? Not so much. I jumped over, swerved around, and slid through more cracks, potholes, mud patches and puddles than I've ever had the pleasure of attempting off-road.
But, I made it. An hour and a half to go from just inside the loop to just outside the beltway. I've made a lot worse time in a car on 59 before. So I'll buy some new knobby tires, invest in some shocks, get some lights and reflectors and the like, and then tomorrow? Go east!

Mon, 18 Feb 2008 16:41:00 -0800

With all this talk about toast, I found it odd that my music site didn't have the one, the only, the toaster song on it. So now it does. Check it out!!!

Sat, 16 Feb 2008 19:11:00 -0800