Thursday, July 27, 2006
Current mood: pissed off
so..... i'm typing with one hand right now. It seems that when you are cutting things with a knife, you're supposed to keep your other fingers out of the way of the blade. something i've learned many many times but every once in a while forget. i hate making rookie mistakes.
3:33 PM - 4 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment
Monday, July 24, 2006
hey look! there's my face!
Current mood: anxious
so, in the last 27 (almost 28) years of my life, more of my waking hours have been spent with glasses on than without. If I remember correctly, I got my first pair when I was 11. A few years after that, I had contacts for about a year. Then glasses up until tomorrow, when I'm getting contacts again.
I'm not so sure about this whole concept. I do well if I remember to get up in time to shower, shave, feed and walk murphy, and get to work on time. At night, I'm doing pretty good if I remember to take my glasses off before falling asleep. So now I'm adding a whole process of cleaning and care of lenses to my daily routine?
On the other hand, I won't be the only person on the island not wearing sunglasses 24/7/365. And the indented lines on the side of my head where my frames sit might go away.
we'll see how it goes.
6:42 PM - 8 Comments - 9 Kudos - Add Comment
Thursday, July 20, 2006
If you give a mouse a cookie...
Current mood: indescribable
I went to Wal-Mart yesterday. I try not to go to walmart as much as possible so as to not support the evil empire, but I needed dog food. That's it. I needed an $8.98 bag of dog food. So I went to the pet section, found my bag of dog food, and that should have been it, right? Wrong. Cause then I looked up on the shelf and saw this cool other bag of dog food that came with a storage bin and dog food sauce. Yes, I said dog food sauce. so I got that instead. Then I thought, well, if I give murphy a different type of food he might feel the urge to go all liquidy, and I had been meaning to find a way of containing the area he was in while I was gone, so I had to go get a baby gate. This had extended the time I was in the store so the dinner I had eaten (mmmm.... dibellas....) percolated and i had to go to the bathroom, so i did. While using the bathroom I thought, hey... that pair of boxers has a hole in it... I need new boxers, so I went to the men's clothing section and got some, then socks. So then I'm walking towards the register and see a nice pair of carpenter pants on sale.... and then there's this shirt...
$8.98 bag of dog food, remember?
8:06 AM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
mmmm... unprocessed biodiesel
Current mood: ecstatic
You know what is fun? Walking up a dark flight of stairs, slipping on the top stair, and plunging your arm up past the elbow into a vat of used fry oil. yeah. that's fun.
8:08 PM - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment
Monday, July 17, 2006
Current mood: awake
Due to the overwhelming response of 25% of my readers (thanks Jarvae!), here's the joke mentioned earlier.
Once upon a time there were two farmers, farmer Bob and Farmer Joe. They both were broccoli farmers whos farms were on opposite sides of the same road.
Farmer Bob was a very good farmer. He fed and watered his broccoli daily. He played classical music for them in the fields at night. His rows were spaced far apart to give the broccoli some personal space. Once monthly a motivational speaker would come in and give the broccoli that little extra ego boost to make them into the best boccoli they could be. And, all of his hard work and extra expense paid off. He had the most robust, healthy, bright green nutritious and flavorful broccoli out there. His broccoli were the epitome of broccolidom. If there were a Broccolympics, they would win gold in all categories.
Farmer Joe on the other hand, was the exact opposite of Farmer Bob. Farmer Joe didn't remember to feed, didn't have a working irrigation system, no classical music, bupkis. His broccoli were crammed close together, he didn't farm organically (which, BTW, meant that farmer Bob's farm couldn't get its organic certification, since the two farms were located so close together and runoff water might accidentaly cross the road, thereby contaminating Farmer Bob's fields. Damn bureaucracy)
So late one night, Farmer Bob's broccoli were sitting around, talking about life and philosophy and one of them brought up the point that although they were blessed in many ways, they had never done anything to help others. The moral imperative, "To whom much is given, much is expected" weighed heavily on their minds and they began to formulate a plan through which they could somehow impprove the world around them. Talkin amongst themselves, they said, "Look across the road at Farmer Joe's fields. Those poor broccoli are starving, emaciated, shrivelled. They have no self esteem, their tops are flopy and their stalks are limp. We have so much, so much room, so much food, so much water. Surely we can share some of it with our brethren over there."
So late one night, when the moon was new, they sent a team over the road to invite their neighbors into the good life. It was difficult convincing Farmer Joes broccoli at first. They had spent so long under his tyrannical rule that they had no concept of a life better than the one they had. But eventually, after long discussion, they agreed to give Farmer Bob's fields a try.
They began the long, slow process of pulling up roots and making their way across the road. One by one, step by step, they crossed that border to a new life. As morning was approaching, almost all of the broccoli had made the trip. All except for little Timmy. Timmy was one of the most shrivelled, most emaciated examples of Farmer Joe's evil rule. He was struggling to make it across the road, but it took almost all of his energy just to take one step. As he tried with all his might, the other broccoli began cheering him on. "Come on Timmy, you can do it! Go Timmy Go! Give me a T...." Well, you get the idea.
Just as Timmy was albout to make it across, a huge 18 wheeler cam barreling over the hill. The cheers for Timmy turned into anguished screams. Run Timmy. Run Faster. Run with everything that you've got. The truck's coming Timmy. You must go faster or you'll be...............oh no.
Timmy's broken body flew 30 yards down the road. Farmers Bob and Joe, haveing heard the impact, came ruching out, calling the ambulance on their cell phones. The ambulance arrived, and Farmer Bob and Farmer Joe rode along. While in the waiting room at the hospital, Farmer Joe, having see the error of his ways, asked for help. Farmer Bob explained the finer points of pesticide free, organic farming, plant psychology, and sustainable irrigation systems.
Just as they were finishing their discussion, the doctor came out. The farmers leapt up to greet him and find out the results of this agonizing time (the waiting room, not this joke).
The doctor looked at them and said:
"Well, gentlemen. I've got good news and I've got bad news. The good news is, Little Timmy is going to live. The bad news is..... he's going to be a vegetable all of his life."
10:04 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment
Sunday, July 16, 2006
apparently mom was wrong... or Ben Stein's Acid
Current mood: distressed
inactive ingredients on a bottle of Clear Eyes:
1: benzalkonium chloride
2: Boric Acid
3:.......hold on. Boric acid??? I'm pretty sure that one of the things my mother taught me as a wee child was "DONT POUR ACID ONTO YOUR EYEBALL!" And yet, there it is in Clear Eyes. In fact, there's more boric acid in these eye drops than there is water! Water is like the second to last item on the list. Does Ben Stein know what kind of product he's promoting?
9:04 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment
Current mood: blah
so the other day (thursday) I participated in an open mike comedy night thingy at a bar here on the island. It was the first night they were doing it, I thought, why not. I can get up there and tell a joke, right? So I did. The little Timmy joke. You know... the talking broccoli? Farmer Bob? The ambulance shows up? whatever. It's a great joke. And it was well recieved. People laughed in all the right places, groaned at the PUNchline, etc. I'm thinking, hey, I'm pretty good at this. Then the next guy got up. I'm not good at this. He's good at this. He proceeded to do 5 or 6 minutes of well rehearsed, top quality, real standup. It probably helped that he brought 20 or so of his friends for support. But I seriously would have paid actual money to hear this guy. Needless to say, after the drag queen (or transgendered woman/man/person) went on and also did a pretty good job, and it was time fo the "applause-o-meter" voting (remember the 20 friends? there were maybe a total of 30 people in the bar) I didn't win. No 25 bucks for me.
So apparently, if I want to win, I have to do real standup. which I've never done. and don't really know how to do.
I think I'll just tell another bad joke next week and keep my current position as the guy who tells bad jokes and doesn't win
that sounds like a plan.
8:37 AM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment
Current mood: drained
you know what's fun? going home at 4 really toasty... then waking up at 9 and going to work.... still a little bit toasty. that's fun
8:35 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
squeaky toys are the devil
Current mood: grumpy
So, in my infinite wisdom, I stopped by the Petco yesterday when I was running errands. I thought to myself, "Keith! Maybe if there were more fun and interesting toys laying around your apartment, then murphy (and Indy, when he's visiting), would spend more time occupying themselves with those than with your couch cushions, wires and cables, A/V equipment, and bed." So I purchased a rope ball, a Kong ball, a Food Cube, and a small package of assorted rubber squeaky toys.
Dropped the toys by the apartment, watched murphy NOT play with any of them (Indy had a blast), then went to go help a friend move. Now, at 1:30 in the morning, after having moved a lot of boxes down from a third floor apartment (no elevator) into a 2nd floor apartment (again, no elevator), checking in on the dogs a few times, drinking a half a bottle of wine at dinner and a few beers at the bar afterwards, I go home, fall into bed, and go to sleep, knowing that I have to work at 9 in the morning, it's going to be a long day, and I need my rest.
Until the dogs found the squeaky toys.
it's really hard to find 4 small squeaky toys at 3 in the morning, in the dark, half asleep and a little bit intoxicated.
7:44 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment
Saturday, July 01, 2006
Current mood: pissed off
So.... I relearned an important lesson tonight.... DON"T LET PEOPLE BORROW LIGHTERS!, no matter how busy you are.
A customer came up to me and asked for some matches, which we don't have. I had 3 orders to put in, hell breaking loose in the kitchen, and more tables walking in the door, so, being the naive, trusting person that I am, I let her borrow my zippo. My $50 present from a good friend had it for a year Harley Davidson Zippo. Mistake. By the time i got a clear enough head to think, hey, I don't have my lighter, the table was gone. With my lighter.
Maybe she'll come back. Maybe she'll get back to whatever beach house she's staying at, empty her pockets, find my lighter, and think," I should take this back to the nice restaurant manager who let me borrow it"
Or maybe I've lost an important (at least to me) gift from a dear friend.
10:07 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment