24 July 2008

And thou shalt feast upon the.....

From the Third Chapter of Saint Pork, Verse 17

And the Lord spake, saying, "Thou shalt take of the stomach of a swine,
and thou shalt cure it with the salt of the sea and the smoke of the
fire. And when it has been cured well, thou shalt fry it in a pan, and
dip it in the chocolate, and it shall be good."

So it is written. So shall it be done

Update to last post

Meant to post this last week...

DONE! just waiting on the real copy with my horrible horrible picture.

Go legality!

07 July 2008

Man on the run

For the last few years, there has been a criminal in your midst. A man wanted in 3 separate cities. A man whose dastardly crimes included failing to show financial responsibility (ooooh!), driving without valid registration (eek!) and three, count them, three counts of ..... FAILURE TO APPEAR! (Egads!!!) That man is me.

But I decided to fix all of that. I'm a new man. I'm not smoking. I'm going to be responsible. So I called the DPS in Austin.

"Hi, this is Keith Martin... ummm... I think I owe some municipalities some money... so, who do i pay?"
"Well, Mr. Martin, call this number, and they'll tell you"

So I called that number. They told me. I paid them.

"Hi, this is Keith martin again... ummmm... so I paid those people... now what?"
"Well, Mr. Martin, you need to pay your surcharges. Call this number."
"What are surcharges?" I asked.
"They're kinda like more fees. Just pay them and stop asking questions, allright?"

So I called. And I paid.

"Yo, Bobby... me again... what now?"
"Don't call me Bobby, Mr. Martin... you need to go to this drivers license office, pay them another fee, and take your written test."
"Really? That's all? Pay some more money, tell you how many feet a car should be able to stop in if it is traveling at 20 MPH (19, by the way, and I'm done? I can get my license back?"

So I went. And I stood in line.
And the lady asked me, "Why are you here?"
And I told her that I needed to renew a suspended and expired drivers license.
And she said, "Go stand in that line"

So I did.
And the man asked me, "Why are you here?"
An I told him that I needed to renew a suspended and expired drivers license.
And he said, "Go stand in that line"

So I did.
And I waited for a while this time,
And the lady asked me, "Why are you here?"
And I told her that I needed to renew a suspended and expired drivers license.
And she said, "...???...??...?"
"Did you tell them your license was suspended?"
"Yep... twice."
"Well...the thing is... you're in the wrong line"
"Really? Cause this just seems a little too cliche, you know? Stand in multiple lines, being directed forward by state employees only to be told at the end that they were pointing you in the wrong direction the whole time."
"Well, Mr. Martin... these cliches have to come from somewhere, you know... we've got to keep people's expectations appropriately low. Now go stand in that line."

So I did.
And this time, I was in the right line. And I told them my situation. And they said, sure, give me some money. And I did. And they said, ok... heere's a reciept and a piece of paper saying you paid us. Now you need to go to the office closest to your home and take the written test..... and driving tests.

Driving test?

In a car?

Which I don't own.

Which I have to provide.

I rode my bike here.

Enter my sister.

She drives all the way from Pearland. We go to the office closest to my home. I stand in line #5. They tell me my suspension is still in place. I show them my paper. They say that I still have to wait for it to appear in the computer, but that I can go ahead and take the written test and see if it appears.

So I do. And I pass.
And it doesn't appear yet.
"But what about the driving test? Can I at least get that out of the way?"
"Oh.... that.... well... there's no slots left today. You have to come back. Again. at 5:00 am to stand in another line, where, if you are lucky and early enough, you will be assigned an appointment for that day, which you'll have to come back for at whatever time that is. "
"Oh....well then... so..."
"Goodbye, Mr. Martin. We'll see you in a week or so."
"ummm.... crap."

So, a couple of thousand dollars, 7 lines, and two DPS offices later, I still don't have a valid license. But I'm not wanted in multiple counties anymore, so that's nice...

03 July 2008

Inflatable Origami Chicken

So why is it that I can never remember the actual narrative of my dreams, but instead come up with tiny little snippets that don't make sense?
For example, from last night:

two tiny inflatable origami chickens, made out of one piece of paper by my brother and inflated using a camelback tube and a foot bellows style pump.

A gas powered car about the size of a Powerwheel, but meant for highway use.

The Pearland High School Marching Band, on tour in Florida.

Hilary Clinton

A wall

Some other unnamed political candidate (not Obama)

And somehow this all fit together... Something about Russell and I giving a presentation to the unknown candidate, with the marching band providing inspirational music. The chickens were an integral part of the presentation, and I followed behind the bus to Florida in the little car.

So, here's the challenge. The people who read this blog are pretty creative, I think. So, in the comments, come up with a story, a narrative that uses all of the elements above. You can change names and locations, but the basic pieces have to remain. Have fun!

(note: I just thought about the fact that the comments might be too small of a space. If so, just email me your story and I'll post it here)